When I first heard the joke, I laughed. Putting aside the annoying smugness of the professor, it is funny. But it got me to thinking. Take me at my smallest; by putting me on drugs that inhibit circulation (tobacco’s a good start), sending me to do some strenuous cardiovascular activity and then throwing me in a pool of freezing water. Then - if I’m still alive - measure my manhood. Then compare that with my dick at the peak of its raging, tumescent glory (few and far between these days, I’ll admit) and I would bet... I would bet my favorite guitar (Gretsch 6120 - Chet Atkins, it’s a beaut!), that the volume - we’re talking three dimensions here - of my peak erection, is more than ten-times the volume of my shriveled nub at it’s smallest. Now, just to make one thing clear, my guitar is not in peril, as I’m not going to hurl myself into a freezing pool, let alone with a ruler and measuring tape close at hand. I only mention it to demonstrate my confidence in my assertion and to illustrate a point; there are two types of men in this world: Growers and Show-ers. And I’m a fully paid-up member of Growers Anonymous - my name is Paul and I’m a grower.

Now, when I say there are two types, it would probably be more accurate to say there is a spectrum between the two types. Not all guys who have long flaccid dicks are show-ers, some of them are growers too. They just have really big schlongs. The converse is also true. Some guys are small when flaccid and erect. What we can say with certainty is that there is a far greater variation in size between flaccid dicks than there is between erect dicks. Let me put it another way; penis sizes tend to converge in size when erect. I could get into all the statistical devices – standard deviations, co-efficients of variation, etc. But that would bore me almost as much as it would you. Luckily, we don’t need to, because we’ve got a scattergram.

Now, for anyone who’s never seen one before, a scattergram is a graphic representation of every measurement taken of two variables, in this case flaccid penis length and percent increase in length when erect. The great thing about scattergrams is that, at a glance, you can easily detect patterns that would otherwise take a team of statisticians to tease out and explain. The clumsily drawn red line represents the average length of the American penis (16 cm, or 6.25 inches for you imperial measurement types). Every dot on the right side of the red line is larger than average. The closer you are to the top right corner, the bigger your dick. The closer you are to the bottom left... well, sorry Bub. Show-ers tend to the top left, growers to the bottom right. Several trends are immediately clear. More men are show-ers than growers. Most of the dots are clustered around the 90 mm (3.5 inches for you anti-metric luddites) flaccid measurement which, surprise, surprise is the average flaccid length. It’s also evident that the dots tend to be distributed along the red line. This is the convergence I was talking about. Whatever the flaccid measurement, cocks when erect tend to average out at around 6 inches. That said there are also many men scattered towards the extreme, particularly on the lower right (the growers).

But do any of them grow to over ten-times their original size? I’ve taken several measurements over the last few days and I regret to admit that even at my teensiest, I’m still over 50 mm. I’m right on (as opposed to the right of… sigh) the red line, so that puts me at a 300 percent increase in length. I’ve also made an accounting of my girth and the percent increase there is just over 160. Now I’ve just put this through a back of the napkin calculation (ok, ok, a calculator actually) and unless I jump in a cold pond, I’m in danger of losing my Gretsch. But it’s close, very close, in fact. The factor increase in personal dick volume pre-cold dip is 8.51. Which rounded off is 9, which is, um, almost 10 (pre-cold dip, remember). And that’s just me. As is evident from the scattergram, there are guys who are even bigger growers. Some guy who is literally hung like a thimble (40mm or 1.5 inches) is bigger than me when erect. What organ can grow to more than ten times its normal size? It ain’t just the iris, professor.

Now, why, you might well ask, is there this variation in flaccid length? Why are there growers and show-ers? The answer is clearly genetic and I think lies with cold weather adaptation. Men from warmer climates, particularly African men, tend to be show-ers. And why not! If you’ve got it – flaunt it, baby. But if you’re from a cold climate, like in Europe, you’ve got more than showing off your wares to consider. The more distal the body part (all the parts that help you count to 21), the more vulnerable it is to frostbite. That’s why your dick shrivels like a shar-paige when you step out of a cold pool. And under ice age conditions, it’s easy to see how the grower gene would spread. The women may have all laughed at the poor grower with his shriveled-up little dick, but after the hunting party was caught in a few blizzards, he was the only guy left with a dick.

So, if you’re a grower, where does this leave you? You carry with you the proud legacy of your stubby dicked ancestors, but what do you do when you’re surrounded by a bunch of show-ers in the showers. Well, not much I’m afraid. You can jump up and down all you like about how it gets as big as your forearm but short of... well... showing them, you’re just gonna have to take your satisfaction in knowing that if you happened to bed the girl from the anatomy class, she wouldn’t be disappointed at all.